Part 4 of Devilish Daffynitions from Mr. Bierce---Enjoy!!

from THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY by Ambrose Bierce. pub circa 1909

TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the Devil, which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell to summon us to the sacrifice.

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his customer.

SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows...

SELF-EVIDENT,n. Evident to one's self and nobody else.

SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sash cloth and ashes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last went back. "There is one favor I should like to ask," said he. "Name it." "Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws." "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul---you ask for the right to make his laws?" "Pardon, what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself." It was so ordered.

ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling companions lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. When Voltaire's turn came he said: "Once there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story."

Are we having fun yet?